The Story

We begin with a man in a box, in a seat about 35,000 feet above humanity, praying for his life and hoping that the Clonazepam is going to kick in any second; only it doesn’t kick in. What does kick in, tragically, is his imagination; and, following that, the reverse thrusters. And after the reverse thrusters, this box, this giant metal tampon flying at 400 mph and holding on a wing and a prayer, hits what’s known as Clear Air Turbulence (CAT), or what the laymen erroneously call “air pockets.”

What normally causes a plane to fall only about ten to twenty feet, has this box plummeting two-hundred, three-hundred, four-hundred feet in mere seconds. The wings, normally designed to handle intense stress and able to flex upwards of 25 feet in each direction, suddenly snap like a stack of Pringles. Bright orange sheets of fire lick the double-pained windows of this modern marvel and then fall away as the wings drop like shuttle pieces after separation. Except he’s not heading into orbit to gather information and perform science; this was supposed to be a three-hour flight to a Caribbean paradise. Well, he’s heading to paradise now: this much is certain. The pill-box careens wildly down. High school physics tells me that this man is traveling at 9.8 meters/second squared, but he doesn’t have time to think about that because he’s reading a magazine. After all, that’s what you’re supposed to do: “get your mind off the fear,” as my friends tell me, right? Distract yourself?

Well, he’ll have to think of something quickly, before his heart attacks. Mercifully, according to the expert known as ‘everyone,’ he won’t die hitting the ground. Rather, it will happen the moment his mind registers its predicament and calls his heart to go for a walk. The eruption is quick, sure, but not painless.

Statistically, I know it’s much safer in a plane than on the road, but something tells me he wouldn’t now be trying to calculate what 9.8 meters works out to in feet if he were in a bus in a Greyhound bus traveling down a gravel road somewhere in the Midwest. The end is almost here.

Suddenly, the plane hits the ground. Softly. First the rear wheels, then the front. The real reverse thrusters now sound and we come to a near halt, safely, on the airport tarmac. My imagination, the architect of this fear, slackens. Perhaps the drugs are finally catching up to me. Or perhaps my imagination melted into the ceaseless notes and stories I keep, not to exercise that muscular imagination of mine, but to channel it, redirect it, and send it harmlessly out into the ether, where it will no longer convince me that I’m about to die. Notes and stories like, say, this blog.

I leave the country for one minute and this is what happens…

This guy is going to be Prime Minister of Canada?

If being in the US has done anything for my political views, I would say it has allowed me an opportunity to see life on the other side on the fence. Perhaps at this time—more than any other time in my life—I will be able to effectively (if not entirely objectively) look sympathetically at the arguments of both sides of the political fence.

Keeping that in mind, I shouldn’t be too worried about the impending minority government in Canada, right? I mean a Conservative in Canada is purportedly more left-wing than a Democrat in the US, and here I am under the rule of a Republican Presidency, so this should be no problem for me, right?

The reason the big-C Conservatives are a problem for me has more to do with their current leader than their political views (although there’s something to be said about their political views). Stephen Harper is as charming and charismatic as a block of cheese. He’s also a hardliner and an extremist. He’s an embarrassment and even the Conservatives were trying to distance themselves from Harper before I left for Republicland. Peter Mackay is a much-preferred alternative. I just don’t think that Harper speaks for anyone outside of Alberta, and his link to the former Reform Party is disconcerting, to say the least.

On the world stage, I think Harper will be as embarrassing as he has been on the home front. The Liberals represent exactly what Canada is: a diverse, balanced nation well-loved by most countries of the world. Although there was some distress with our southern cousins during the early Iraq war, under Paul Martin’s leadership we were making headway and mending old wounds. Harper has shown an interest in western Canada; I think he’s out of touch with the majority of Canadians. That goes to show you how effective voter fatigue can be in shaping governments.

There has been a diverse sampling of recent Conservative Canadian governments on a provincial level. Alberta has had a successful Conservative government for some time now, but if that provincial government eventually leaves office, will we see another situation like the one we saw in Ontario when the so-called fiscally-conservative Conservatives left a gaping $5-billion hole in the provincial coffers. And we can’t forget the last time the Conservative party was in power (not counting Kim Campbell, of course), they introduced the GST. That kind of financial management is in contradiction of typical conservative values, so it’s hard to predict exactly what’s going to happen.

If Harper’s government is able to better facilitate a relationship with America, then I wouldn’t count this day lost. But I’m not sure that’s going to happen.

ABC Studios

The second installment of Myke’s vicarious weekend through the eyes of Larry Hampton had me waking up early on Saturday morning and heading down the ABC studios in Hollywood. Vocal phenom Rie Sinclair was doing a talkshow gig and she needed a hired gun, so my brother-in-law Larry fit the bill nicely.

The moment one walks onto a studio, it’s like stepping into the embassy of a foreign country: you step out of reality into surrealand. The ambassador of surrealand is any celebrity you happen to run into.

Well, the façade of the General Hospital set was right outside the parking lot, which was interesting. The inner studio was the same soundstage where Dick Clark’s “American Bandstand” was filmed for years. Julie Andrews also had a variety show there, and we passed her former heli-pad on the way in. Strange.

Well, Larry and Rie got set up and filmed the show. Rie had a short interview afterwards and that was that. But it was kinda fun to hang out at the ABC studios for a bit. We checked out some editing suites, and I can see that the digital/analogue debate rages on in TV-land, too. But the editing suites were pretty, er, sweet. They were small, dorm-sized rooms with editing software and flat-screen monitors. There were pro-tools HD systems throughout, and a nifty screening room. Fun times.

After all that, Larry and I stepped back into America and went home.

So much to blog, so little time. Let's start with NAMM

I have a lot to blog about, and a lot of catching up to do. I could go into detail about everything I’ve done this weekend, but my brother-in-law took care of part of my weekend quite well in this post, so I’ll let him do the honours. The only thing I’ll add about NAMM is how weird it was to see all the creators of all the boutique amps that I venerated for years. I saw the creator of Egnator amps, Mesa Boogie (which is a tired company, but Randall Smith is still a creative guy with interesting articles on his design process), and we hung out with Paul Cochrane, the designer of Heritage Amps.

I’ll tell you what: in Bobby Hartry’s capable hands, a Heritage Amp is a dangerous thing. Any amp, really. With the exception of Divided by 13, Heritage Amps are the only new amp out there than is doing anything I like. I was disappointed not to see a DB13 booth, but I saw just about everything else.

If you can see Lee Sklar, he can see you. If you can't see Lee Sklar, you may be only seconds away from death.

Here’s the situation, Tucker.

Let me just start right now by saying I don’t like Tucker Carlson; he’s obnoxious, he’s intellectually dishonest and his fashion sense is questionable. Tonight he was talking about the movie Brokeback Mountain. Maybe it’s my Toronto roots speaking here, but I just don’t see where the controversy stems from in this movie. People like Tucker claim that Brokeback is the product of a liberal Hollywood agenda, hence the controversy. Mr. Tucker, was it also a liberal Hollywood agenda that inspired Mel Gibson to make The Passion of the Christ? I didn’t understand the controversy then, and I don’t understand it now, even though we’re on the other side of the ideological fence.

I think The Situation Room guest put it right when she said that “Hollywood’s true agenda is money.” If people are producing movies that are gay-friendly, anti-war or pro-environment, it is because Hollywood’s directors, producers and writers ally themselves with the values that are behind such movies, likewise with reference to movies about the crucifixion of Jesus. The content of a movie speaks to the interests and ideologies of its creators, and shouldn’t be mistaken as an attempt to bring non-believers into alignment with the philosophy of the creators. If I’m interested in sex, then I’ll probably write poems about sex, make songs about sex and make movies about sex, not because I want to proselytize, but because that’s where my interests lay (hypothetically speaking, of course.) The art you make reflects your passions.

Tucker claims that Hollywood has an agenda while hosting his conservative show dedicated to the propagation of conservative values. A little hypocritical isn’t it, Mr. Carlson? If you’re so unhappy with the so-called liberal agenda of Hollywood, then take your conservative friends and start making some movies yourself.

To be fair, it’s not just Tucker who attacked the alleged liberal agenda of Ang Lee’s movie, but let’s face it: the man wears a bowtie.

Oh Mr. Tucker— he’s like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving (that’s on behalf of all of Canada).

Package of Care

Today my darling Dara sent me some sentimental items; a few goodies, a book and this note:

No one ever said that love was easy or that there wouldn't be misunderstandings or moments when lovers would need to be apart in order to love better or more completely. I know we've had some difficult moments lately, and sometimes I wonder if we'll ever see eye to eye or if our actions will reflect what we really feel inside. But I want you to know my heart still belongs to you, and no matter how difficult this situation is for us, I know we'll get through it. I hope you still believe in me because I still believe in you, and I will always believe in us.

I’ll always believe in us too, hon.

Mission Statement: Jerry McGuire-style, or, You Had me at Hello

It’s amazing how big life changes can really cause you to take inventory and redefine yourself. I’m still young, so my opinions are still forming. While some points about me are solid, others are more like baby-stool. I have friends who think I’m a hardcore socialist, while others may be inclined to believe I’m on the verge of a Republican breakthrough.

Truth be told, I’m a bit of a chameleon, which can be both good and bad. What I mean by that is, I ally myself with whoever is around, but not in a pandering, disingenuous way. Rather, I like to hear what other people say, often learning from other opinions, while adding to the little knowledge I already have. This can leave people with the impression that I am ‘on their side.’ I don’t know whose side I am on, but here is a list—in no particular order—of some of my core beliefs, although I’ve left out some of my most private, passionate beliefs- those are for me alone:

I believe that Man, when left to his own devices, is corrupt. Centuries of conflict and war have proven that to me, if William Golding hasn’t.

I believe that Man is capable of doing great things.

I believe love is truly all you need (if you don’t count food, water and shelter). I also believe it’s more elusive than people realize; it’s more beautiful than we can imagine; and it’s more potent than any drug I know of. Furthermore, I think you are naïve not to believe this, not the other way around.

I believe that the woman I’m marrying in May is one of the sexiest, funniest, most beautiful creatures on the planet.

I believe the written word, when deftly handled, is the second most compelling and inspiring thing ever executed by man.

I believe that music, when deftly handled, is the most compelling and inspiring thing ever executed by man.

I believe family is extremely important, and that I have the best Mom on the planet.

I believe that, while it may help people better sort me (and therefore pigeonhole me), I don’t need an “elevator pitch” (ie a 30 second speech you could give someone in an elevator) of my core beliefs. I believe that to have such a pitch would belie the complexity of my personality and the fusion of all the elements, biological and psychological, that shape me.

I believe that pretension sucks.

I believe that people who are too sensitive to pretension are secretly impressed and need to grow up.

I believe that green is the most beautiful, complex colour, and there’s a reason the world is full of it.

I believe that charity—true charity—is a fine thing.

I believe, and have always maintained, that the Iraq war was the wrong decision. While the removal of a murderous dictator was one of the best consequences of the war, it’s hard to argue that his removal was the primary objective, especially considering the still-thriving dictators and contemporary acts of genocide in places like Darfur (acts which still go unchecked), which calls into question the consistency of said arguments. I believe that there was a complex set of reasons that compelled the U.S. Government into military operations in Iraq, the chief among these being to secure (or attempt to secure) the stability of the Middle East. I believe the invasion made effective use of the 9/11 attacks by intentionally overstating the relationship between Saddam and Osama, and their respective regimes. I also truly believe that George W. Bush acted in what he felt was America’s best interest, and not out of malice, as many leftists believe.

I believe that what America perceives as being in its best interest, is not in the best interest of the rest of the world and, consequently, not actually in the best long-term interests of America, itself.

I believe that most people think they’re smarter than they really are.

I believe I’m smarter than I really am.

I believe that gluttony is out of control, and it is an utterly repulsive thing; that the world is a beautiful, living phenomenon and we are killing it just as fast as we possibly can. I believe that to ignore environmental issues is selfish and shortsighted.

I believe socialism is the most creative, most perfect form of government ever devised. I also believe that human imperfection renders true socialism an impossibility.

I believe that capitalism is a flawed economic system. While I believe rewarding hard work and ingenuity is a noble thing, I fear a system that blindly pursues profit regardless of the (sometimes) devastating social and environmental impact of said profit. I believe that there is no better system, so it behooves us as citizens of the world to keep these corporations accountable and to not allow them to financially contribute to government campaigns whatsoever, among many other sins.

I believe that capital punishment is a draconian, inhumane practice that needs to stop. I also believe that punitive justice is an ineffective vehicle for reform which often encourages further crime. Again, in the absence of a better tradition, I believe we need to get creative, especially for non-violent crimes.

I believe “fade away” is a lyrical cliché and it needs to stop.

I believe we live in a culture of blame-shifting. No one is taught the nobility of owning up to one’s crimes. Also, I believe that not every tragedy requires blame; sometimes bad things happen and it’s no one’s fault. However, when it is someone’s fault, I think proper justice and accountability should be imposed.

I think that people who use human life to make a political point are despicable, wicked creatures. There are no words strong enough in the languages of men to describe these maggots or their poison. Firefighters fight fires, crime-fighters fight crime; what are freedom-fighters fighting?

I believe that ‘reality’ television is an inferior form of entertainment, but that it highlights a natural human tendency towards voyeurism.

I believe that guitar is the coolest instrument ever invented.

I believe that piano is the most beautiful instrument ever invented.

I believe the current Democrat party is the most poorly-planned, leaderless political party in memory.

I believe moderation is the only way to go. Extremists claim a life of moderation is lukewarm; I would say, balanced.

I believe hedonists are the saddest group of people on the planet.

I believe celebrity doesn’t earn you the right to speak, but rather the responsibility to know when to speak and when not to.

I believe the best form of censorship is the one which allows an extremist to speak his mind, but trumps his idea with a better one.

I believe that America’s favourite pastime is envying the rich.

I believe judgment should be reserved for judges.

I believe that to push the above beliefs on someone else is not only arrogant, it’s highly ineffective. I believe the best way to win someone to my point of view, if that’s indeed what I want, is to show how effective or ineffective my life has been while living under the principal beliefs I hereby profess.

Despite their corruptible nature, I believe most people want to be good, and to that end, most people try very hard to overcome ignorance and greed to achieve that goal.

I believe I have a lot more to say, but this is a good start.

Writer's Blog

I want to blog but I keep staring at my screen for several minutes at a time, with nothing appearing on it. There’s so much for me to say but the problem is, I keep thinking about all that’s going on (the inspiration for my would-be blogs) instead of actually writing it, and I retreat into a collapsing vortex of disconnected thoughts and stresses. Needless to say, there’s a lot going on. But for those of you hungry for the intellectual seaweed that is my opinion (hi Mom), I hope to be broadcasting soon. I just need some time to think.

Meanwhile, here’s a random thought from the archives:

Myke (or its lesser-known counterpart, Mike) is a highly functional name. It can be very formal or ostentatious (Michael), it can be a laid-back poker night kind of name (Myke/Mike), or it can be a cutesy name used by girlfriends and little sisters everywhere: Mykie/Mikey. Yup, even though Elizabeth has more variations (Liz, Betty, Beth, Lizzy, Ellie, yadda, yadda), Michael is the king of names, because each variation of the name has a different character to it. Thanks again, Mom.

Oh, and happy birthday Larry. I hope number 37 was a good one for you. Here’s looking on to 38.

Happy 50th post. Now for some lists

A year of top-ten lists.

Albums released in 2005:

1) Extraordinary Machine, Fiona Apple.

2) Late Registration, Kanye West

3) Songs for Silverman, Ben Folds

4) Chaos and Creation in the Backyard, Paul McCartney

5) X&Y, Coldplay.

6) Knucke Down, Ani DiFranco

7) Francis the Mute, The Mars Volta

8) Guero, Beck

9) Awake is the New Sleep, Ben Lee

10) The Art of Breaking, TFK. Kidding. So kidding.

Movies released in 2005:

1) A History of Violence, David Cronenberg (Director)

2) King Kong, Peter Jackson

3) Crash, Paul Haggis

4) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Tim Burton

You know what, there are too many movies I missed this year, because of circumstances, that prevent me from commenting on movies. There are just too many would-be goodies that I’d be afraid to comment, for fear of missing the good ones. But here are movies I have a pretty good idea would be good:

Capote

Brokeback Mountain

Goodnight and Good luck

Syriana

Broken Flowers

My battery is running out, so that’s it for now.

Tabula Rasa

Dara and I have been together five years and we’ve spent only 2.5 New Year’s Eves together. I say half because one of the times she was really sick and we did nothing, and I just took care of her. So that one doesn’t really count.

I hate how cliché it’s become to make a New Year’s Resolution and then to break it; so much so, I always avoid the pitfall and embarrassment of ever mentioning a resolution. Still, I understand the reflective nature of this time of year and the seasonal tendency to view January 1 as a clean slate. It’s very John Locke.

In that tradition, and despite my aversion to the practice, I am going to make a New Year’s resolution for 2006 and every year afterward: I am never going to spend another New Year’s Eve away from Dara. The awkward twelve o’clock moment inevitably finds me kissing my hand (or, that one lonely year: a dog). This tradition of being apart is getting older than Dick Clark, and once we’re married you can count on Dara and I ringing in the New Year in every time zone.