Little Golden Nuggets

I love the golden rule. It’s so simple and elegant, despite the fact that many people have no clue what the hell it is (hint: it starts with ‘do unto others…’). Applied correctly, this little rule could provide for harmony around the world. If everyone fully abided by the golden rule, hands would go up around the globe and we would grasp them together and we would all sing in unity. I don’t know what we’d sing, but it would probably be from a Coke commercial.

Unfortunately, these days, more people know what a golden shower is than what the golden rule is. (As it turns out, unless you want to be peed upon, that particular shower doesn’t fall into the golden rule spectrum.) In any case, I believe many people would follow the golden rule if they simply knew how to apply it in modern situations. In many cases, I believe our common rudeness is simply a matter of ignorance in how to do unto others. The world has gotten smaller, and we keep getting bigger, stretching our arms out and taking up all the space. I think many around would like to make the world a better place, but one simple rule to apply to many of life’s situations is too confusing. There are too many nuances to account for which the golden rule does not cover. Emerging technologies have added to the confusion (do you answer your cell phone while rolling in the sheets? If so, you’re not the only one.)

To help, I’ve created (read: pulled out of my ass) this list of guidelines which, if followed, will shortly having us all singing “I’d like to buy the world a Coke…”

1 -Be mindful of others around you.

2 -Respect others’ personal bubbles. Give people a wide berth when walking (at least a 3’ radius!)

3 -Don’t use (too much) more than you need. Most of us eat to excess, and have homes and cars that exceed our personal needs. A little bit is okay, but don’t try to take more of the pie than the next guy. Why drive a 12 mile/gallon guzzler when a Yaris or a Minivan works just as well? Despite what you think, you don’t deserve that Hummer, the 30,000 square foot mansion, or that 50 oz. steak. A little dab’ll do ya.

4 -In England, India, Australia or any one of the 76 countries that drive on the left, then drive on the left, walk on the left, go through the left-hand door. In the remaining countries, drive on the right, walk on the right, and go through the frick’n right-hand door (where possible).

5 -(For the gents) The laws of urinal dynamics state that if there is an option to put a spacer or buffer urinal between you and the adjacent urinator, do so! (See rule 1). If there is a row of 8 vacant urinals, opt for the extremities, and not the inline units. If you have taken a urinal on the far right or left, and someone picks the urinal immediately beside you when there are five other good options, you have permission to turn and piss on that man’s shoes. Also, don’t talk to anyone (anyone) while at the urinal. Stare straight ahead like you can bore through that cheap ceramic tile with your eyes.

6 -Be punctual. This applies especially for formal events like weddings, funerals and job interviews, but also for informal ones. You don’t want to be the movie theatre jackass who shows up after the previews and asks someone to scoot over. You knew that movie started at 7:30, and you deserved to have that popcorn butter poured into your shoes (that was me, by the way).

7 -In the company of others, the cell phone is to be shunned unless you are expecting an important phone call. (Note—important phone call is defined as the following: prospective job offer, medical test results coming in, your Grandmother in Poland is dying and this is the last opportunity to speak with her, the President would like to thank you for saving his life, or the FBI will apprehend you in 30 seconds and you must escape… and not as “OMG, did you hear that Spencer likes Heidi!”)

8 -If you are named Spencer or Heidi for any reason, you should take your life now. The same goes for the following names: Brody, Brodin, Lance, Trent, Dayton, Walker, Aiden, Connor, Scout, London, Tallulah, or any one of dozens of douchey hipster names. Take your life. Try the BMW in the garage. That one always works well.

9 -Respect the queue. If you are in a line-up that doesn’t involve a two-way mirror, remember rule #1. There are several different types of queues, and you may not know which one you’re. Some places have multiple queues for multiple kiosks, while others may have one feeder queue into several smaller queues. You may inadvertently initiate your own death if you step in front of someone else who has been waiting longer than you and is dying to get his hands on the very last boston cream.

10 -For the multi-lingual among you: Speak the lingua franca. As beautiful and elegant as your Faeroese may sound to the people of Scandinavia, to us, it’s just gibberish. We Westerners are a paranoid type. If you say something we don’t understand, then clearly you’re speaking about us. It’s rude. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t preserve and use your (second, third…) language, just remember Rule #1 and don’t make someone else feel like they are being left out of a great Faeroese joke!

11 -If the daggers come out with the politics, put it away. We all love to debate (unless your name is Bill O’Reilly, in which case you don’t like to debate as much as you like to TALK VERY LOUD OVER PEOPLE.) If you can learn something and grow through political discussion, great. But you’re not going to convince the anti-semitic homophobe snake charmers league to vote for Ralph Nader in the next election, so instead switch to a topic you can mutually enjoy, like how much you both loved the latest Transformers Movie.

12 -DON’T USE ALL CAPS WHEN WRITING SOMETHING ONLINE, AS IT IS VERY ANNOYING. WE ALL UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY, AND YOU WANT TO BE BOLD ABOUT IT, BUT PUT THE CAPS AWAY AND GET YOUR POINT ACROSS WITH A WELL-REASONED ARGUMENT INSTEAD OF ALL THE YELLING.

13 -On the road: use your turn signal/indicator light, whatever you want to call it. It may seem like you’re giving away your next move, but on the roads, that’s actually a good thing. As always, remember Rule 1.-Is your car stereo worth more than your car? Is it loud? Does it have a nice sub-woofer in it? While driving on the strip, do you like to crank the dance music so that is shakes the cheap plastic pieces of the shitty Civic you’re driving? Yeah? Don’t do that! Keep it in the clubs, folks. Barring that, go park with Brody and company up there.

14 -Hold the door open for people. It doesn’t take much time and it is a very polite thing to do. Consequently if you walk into a public shoot-out, you’ll have a little warning first.

15 -The only acceptable time and place to scream “whoo-hoo!” is at a rock concert (between songs, mind) and at a David Blaine show. Why? Because magic is awesome. You gotta respect that shit!

16 -Recycle. If you live in an area that does not recycle (say, most southern states), take your life. Kidding.