Beware the Southern Californian Driver

Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Megalomalia
Order: Carnivora


The Southern California Driver, belonging to the asshole family, is one of several creatures which exhibit abnormally aggressive driving behaviors. Weighing anywhere from 100 to 400 lbs, the Southern California Driver, or SCD, is technically an omnivore. SCDs are known to eat copious amounts of food, often while in transit. This can make the SCD dangerous and distracted. As much as two-thirds of a well-fed driver’s body-weight consists of dangerous self-importance, and the digestive process can take so long, that SCDs are often said to be full of shit. The Southern Californian Driver’s natural habitat is on the asphalt and concrete roads and highways, although they have been known to drift off into all manner of terra firma, including grass and even water (which would not be really ‘firma‘ I guess).

Physiology

Drivers are made up of many different shapes and sizes, and exhibit specialized functions. For example, a single driver can accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in as little as 6 seconds. Their skin is thin, while their fur coat can be quite heavy (although not always). It is commonly known that the SCD is one of very few mammals with opposable thumbs, but it is a lesser-known fact that drivers communicate almost exclusively with the use of their third finger (the exception being the occasional angry exchange through a rolled down window).

To reproduce, many adolescent drivers employ the back seat , while others display their plumage (anus hair) during a strange mating ritual which involves mooning. Furthermore, many Southern California Drivers will nest in more expensive cars to compensate for the fact that they’re not mating at all.

Behaviour

As previously mentioned, the SCD often exhibits dangerously erratic and aggressive behaviour, often for the sole purpose of arriving at a destination early, after which point the SCD often complains of boredom and makes an unscheduled trip to Starbucks. Although the driver is considered monogamous, he will trade paint with many different breeds in a reckless fashion.

Extinct Species

Sadly, though ostensibly through natural selection, the following species have become extinct:

The courteous driver
The non-speeder
The driver who stays in one lane
The driver who drives (and doesn’t read, eat, talk on the cell or control the iPod)

Tragically, these drivers have been replaced with their nefarious counterparts, namely:

The cut-off guy
The tailgate guy
The doesn’t-know-what-the-hell-is-going-on-around-him guy
The drives-up-and-passes-me-on-the-shoulder-and-then-calims-there’s-nothing-wrong-with-that-and-also-says-”I’m-going-to-f----you-up” chick.

As you can see, the Southern California Driver is a fascinating and tragic character. Beware the SCD; he can lull you into a sense of security and then kill you. It’s his nature.