Emo Confessional

Can you think of a more pitiable form of music than this bottom-feeding musical tumor? Well, yes I can, namely 80s metal, many forms of polka, many forms of hip-hop, many, many forms of country music… and, like all these forms of music, Emo has its bright sides. But on the whole, Emo music sucks. Collected Apologies asked for the input of a range of columnists to offer their opinions on Emo, E.B. White and Oedipus Rex. Here’s what they had to say:

Collected Apologies: So, let’s get started. What’s wrong with Emo?

Nat Porter, Syncopation Monthly: What’s wrong with Emo? What’s not wrong with Emo? What a hopelessly pathetic, contrived so-called art form.

Gracey Rogers, Poughkeepsie Press: Hold on, hold on. If you’re going to comment, be specific, rather than laying blanket abuse on the issue.

CA: Okay, Gracey- what do you have to say about Emo?

GR: It’s a loosely held-together form of humdrum music put together by whiny, relentlessly self-effacing pretty white boys.

Ben Carver, West Atlantic Times: Not bad. You forgot pretentious.

NP: Call it what you want to, I hate it. Every time I hear that f------ Chris Carrabba [Dashboard Confessional] piss and moan about his stupid life, it makes me want to stab my ears with a Q-tip, but not before I stab his. Honestly! He’s a rock-star, he’s reasonably good looking… what is he so f------ miserable about?

CA: Easy, Nat, this is a family show.

NP: I’m sorry; he just gets under my skin. I just get irritated by the man. I honestly don’t know why he wallows all alone in his white-boy pain.

BC: Ben Folds reference- Nice!

NP: Thanks. And does it strike anyone as pretentious to give an individual a band name? Dashboard Confessional is one person; does he really deserve an entire band name himself? Maybe if he were Burt Bacharach—

GR: We already listed pretense as a major character flaw of Emo, but while we’re at it, it does strike me as incongruous to write such woe-is-me lyrics when most of these kids are the products of wealthy, suburban, post-modern families. Who bought your guitar for you, kiddies? It’s as efficacious as listening Britney Spears complain about her life. The biggest problem facing Emo musicians is how to get their hair to stay out of their eyes, so it doesn’t get wet from all their tears. They’re sensitive souls, you know.

BC: Tell me about it. These are the roll models for kids these days: Britney teaches the girls how important it is to be a pretty princess, and Emo teaches the boys how important it is to be a pretty princess. There’s something disingenuous about the way these guys mete out their pain, too. It’s not in an Elliott Smith, depressed genius kind of way. The Emo emotions come off as transparent and insincere: she dumped you, get over it!

NP: I know! F---!

CA: Nat, please. Now, isn’t anyone here a campaigner for Emo? You three represent major publications, all of which have done many cover stories on major Emo bands.

NP: You know as well as I know, our publications are crap.

GR: Okay, you need to leave.

BC: The publishing mandate of our respective publications notwithstanding, Emo is a tired, boring form of music. The lyrics are so conceited. As E.B. White would say, grasping towards imagined eloquence—

GR: “Elements of Style”- I love that book! Are you doing anything after this?

CA: Seriously, though: does anyone have anything good to say about Emo bands?

NP: That’s a tall order. It’s tough to say anything positive about whiney, white rich kids who cry at the drop of a hat, and write crappy, crappy music. There also seems to be some Oedipal issue going on there.

GR: For once, we agree on something, Nat. Myke, what we have here is predictable music, bad grade-10-poetic lyrics, too-tight t-shirts and whineyness. That’s a formula for bad music.

For once, Gracie, we agree on something.