Why is this man smiling?

The Da Vinci Code

It seems like my posts are long streaks of pessimism and venom. I’m looking over the mini essays and missives I’ve written and I see naught but a string of criticism and denigration. Continuing in this vein, I bring before you the best-selling turkey to fall on bookstores since the Left Behind series left its trail of intellectual devastation: Dan Brown’s controversial The Da Vinci Code.

I will admit to you now that this book was a struggle to get through, not because of its depth but because of its lack thereof. I don’t understand reviews that call his book “blockbuster perfection” or “an exhilarating, brainy thriller.” This is not an intelligent book, it’s not smartly written, it’s not thrilling and it is certainly not a masterpiece by any stretch. Put quite simply, Dan Brown’s book is a pile of Mona Lisa’s excrement.

I don’t want to sound off on the controversy surrounding the book. Quite frankly, I don’t trust the research of anyone who writes with such a sophomoric pen. Dan Brown says Jesus got married and had children I say, Dan Brown got far too much money for this book.

The Da Vinci Code sold 40 million copies at 454 pages each, which equals about 18 billion clichés, 18 billion empty modifiers and 18 billion expository lumps where three hours of back story are dumped on the world like rain in a Florida hurricane. How can a book this bad get published, let alone sell 40 million copies, let alone receive praise from the New York Times?

The biggest blunder in Brown’s arsenal of blunders is his exploitation of italics vis-à-vis his characters’ thought-process: Was I dreaming? Or Was I followed? Or No! Here's my thought-process: terrible! This book is about codes and riddles, secret societies and conspiracies. One would think that Mr. Brown would include at least a subtle, if not challenging puzzle for the readers to figure out. Rather, he puts the pieces rapidly together for us. Reading this book feels like watching someone solve a crossword, and it’s about as much fun.