Post 150: A modest proposal*

It is a sore trial on the minds of the collective assembly to unriddle the science that is volleyed back and forth between opposing parties, who debate with vigor the verisimilitude of a planet that is on the verge of global meltdown. With near-equal cogency, advocates for the phenomenon of global warming argue that Greenland’s coastal glaciers are melting beyond rescue, while detractors point out that ice is actually accumulating on Greenland’s interior glaciers. The alarmists point out that 19 of the 20 hottest years on record have occurred since the 1980s, while critics reveal that this may be due to solar variability, and not caused by hydrocarbon emissions. One side claims hurricanes and drought are the symptoms made manifest of a planet in the throws of global trauma, while a 1974 Time Magazine article exposed our history of hysterics, when it revealed that contemporary ‘70s scientists debated the oncoming of a second ice-age, and not a global heat wave.

I think it is agreed upon by all parties that the starting place of this imbroglio, real or imagined, lies in concentrated form beneath the sands of a desert inhabited by a people so philistine in their makeup, that mothers will strap bombs to their newly-weaned children, while fathers praise the deed, and do likewise. Light, sweet crude, whether it is the burning fuse on a ticking global disaster, or the sugary fuel that nourishes society’s economic engine, is concentrated in the hands of a group of fanatics. And thus the problem requires two answers, or else one that is big enough to solve two problems.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance that, in the right hands, the detonation of a nuclear device can be a most effective, and beautiful tool. And here I propose a twofold solution to the aforementioned global struggle: release several of these devices into the atmosphere. The resulting dust cloud from the fabled nuclear winter would serve to mitigate the stress on a planet that is overrun with carbon dioxide emissions which trap solar heat in the atmosphere and slowly heat the planet causing drought, famine, hurricanes and rising sea levels. Or not. In any case, this nuclear winter would cool the planet and silence the Progressives, and in so doing, would allow the oil lobbyists to get back to their predestined task: the preservation and continuance of a robust western economy.

And if you need a suggestion for where to release these bombs, I have but one: release them over the world’s desert sands. Every single sandy desert. Here’s why:

For starters, you’ll need a large enough nuclear dust cloud to provide the needed effect. More importantly, it is an effective military methodology to gain control of an adversary’s resources; this would be accomplished by turning your enemy into glass, and seizing the oil. Closer to home, it will also have the added benefit of rendering desert land impassable (glass being a very difficult surface to walk upon) which will stymie the flow of unwanted aliens, and preserve future generations of xenophobes.

I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal unless it should be urged that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the world. But billions of people burden an already burdened planet, so this can only be a good thing. Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: of curbing our excesses and taking the bus; of curing the expensiveness of pride and self-admiration; of utterly rejecting the materials and instruments that promote boundless luxury; of casting off the carnal encumbrance of materialism, and embracing the inconvenience of conservation; of pursuing peace and fraternity, and sharing the principles of democracy, rather than thrusting them upon others; of Promoting, rather than hindering, the study of science, and financing future technologies that will liberate us from the tyranny of fuel; we who have supplanted dearth for superabundance, in a lust that continues unabated.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, ’till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

*With generous assistance from Mr. Swift.