Love in an Elevator

I recently participated in a contest at work to win an iPad. Things were going well; I was tied for first place after having won a baking contest and a contest to guess the number of coins in a jar. Then it came down to a final contest: draft an elevator pitch in 200 words or less. The topic was carte blanche. The following was my entry for the pitch, and although it didn't win, I couldn't just erase the thing. So, here it is:

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I’m Darth Vader, Senior Assistant VP to the Emperor of the Galactic Empire. We run a multi-planetary dictatorship that provides management and administration services for large and mid-size planets throughout the galaxy. We make decisions for people who are tired of making decisions for themselves. The Empire is recognized as a leader in technology, culminating in the design and implementation of our latest achievement: the Death Star.

The ask: We are appealing to VCs for growth capital to fund the completion of the Death Star which is a large space station, about the size of a small moon. It provides a home for thousands of our employees and serves as a mobile outpost, allowing us to call on our constituents and address their needs directly. It has only one vulnerability, which is a small thermal exhaust port, but it is only two metres wide so we are confident that this will never be exploited.

Our only known competitor is a small start-up known as the Rebel Alliance, whereas we have 20 years of proven leadership ability.

Recent accomplishments: Ever heard of a little planet called Alderaan? Me neither.

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Here is the winning pitch:

Hello there, you look cold! I know it is a record hot day outside, but in the office the air conditioning is always blasting. Do you have trouble dressing appropriately for a summer work day? Is it too hot on the subway and too cold in your office? Well don’t worry because I have a solution for you!

My name is ?? and I am a direct seller for the Snuggie Corporation (hand shake). I have been selling Snuggies for 5 years and I have had zero complaints from customers. Our product is a soft fleece blanket with sleeves. The sleeves enable you to stay warm while typing on your computer, drinking coffee, or chatting with coworkers. We now offer a limited Corporate Edition Snuggie that is workplace appropriate. You can get it branded with your company logo so that everyone is matching. The best part is that the Snuggie can be left at your desk so you don’t have to carry a bulky sweater or coat. Also, if you purchase a Snuggie within the next 24 hours we will add on a complimentary office pass pocket so you will never lose your pass again.

Here is my card and please call me if you have any questions.

Cheers and have a great day (Hand over free gift)!