Versus

It's been a while since my last post. I've had stuff to write about, but no compunction to write it. I'm a fan of top-ten lists, so let's do a vs. list, which should be almost as fun. What's better...

Star Wars vs. Star Trek

This is hard. One has Chewy, and one has Captain Pickard. I mean, it's Pickard! (Unless you're talking the whole franchise, and then you have to include Shatner and Bakula... hmmm, this argument is getting stronger for Lucasland.) Still, Star Wars has Vader. He's a villain for the ages.

Winner: Star Wars

Jim Carrey vs. Mike Myers

Two impoverished, Canadian comedians (and would-be dramatic thespians) vying for our affections and our pocketbooks. Both have some hefty franchises under their belts, both dressed up as a children's icon (the Grinch and the Cat in the Hat, respectively). Austin Powers was a unique franchise, and very imaginative. Unfortunately, it introduced "yeah baby" into popular vernacular and that is unforgiveable. Also, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," is my favourite movie, so that gets you big points. Jim Carrey can definitely over-act, (Bruce Almighty, anyone?) but he shows he can be subtle too.

Winner: Jim Carrey

Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings

If this were a numbers game, despite Rings' prolific sales, Harry would be kicking Frodo's ass up and down Privet drive. But I think even J.K. Rowling would concede that Tolkien's work is subtler, richer and more artistically satisfying. Both are epic works; both fantastic, but as they say in Highlander, "there can be only one." And that is...

Winner: Lord of the Rings

Beatles vs. Rolling Stones

Please.

Winner: Beatles

John vs. Paul

This is so hard. I recently responded to an online questionnaire about this. In it, I realized that my three favourite Beatles songs are John's. Namely, "Happiness is a Warm Gun," "I Want You (She's so Heavy)," and "A Day in the Life." Brilliance. John can really hit them out of the park. But for Paul's sheer volume of brilliant, quirky, small songs (songs like "Martha My Dear," "Golden Slumbers," or "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window,") and his brilliant post-Beatles career, and because most people think that being moody, edgy, and shot dead makes you a better songwriter, the winner has to be....

Winner: Paul

England vs. U.S.A.

Here I'm talking about cultural contributions, both of which are significant. The two most important contributors to modern literature and music (props to Canada, the bastard child of both countries and home of many great authors and music!). This is, perhaps, the toughest one of all. After all, mention F. Scott Fitzgerald and Hemmingway all you want; England just has to say Shakespeare. Not enough? Try Chaucer. Dickens.... Okay, Britain has a centuries-long headstart against this upstart America. What about music. Well, you can champion The Beach Boys, The Doors and The Grateful Dead all you want, but England need only drop one band: The Beatles. That trumps nearly everything. To be fair, America holds its own with artists like Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan and many others. In fact, my two favourite artists (Jon Brion and Jellyfish, respectively) are both American. England would still win this one, me thinks, if it were left to music. Led Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, The Who, Queen, Radiohead, Coldplay... it goes on forever. But then we hit a brick wall: namely visual media. Namely TV and movies. The British have spawned a few good shows and movies, but let's be honest-- 97% of all good movies come from America. If they're not filmed there, they are written, directed, acted and produced by Americans. Spielberg alone wins the States a lot of points. Think of all the huge films: Citizen Kane, Godfather, Jaws, Star Wars... I could go on forever, and I didn't even get past the 70s. Taking this cultural side into consideration, the winner is...

Winner: Tie. You can't break that tie at all. I will say that when the two countries collaborate together, it can produce good results (see: "The Office"). Then again, not always (see: Iraq War).

This was more fun than a top-ten list. Maybe I'll do this more often. Feel free to vote yourselves. Do you agree with my votes, faithful readers?